Managing a child's temper tantrum

Managing a child's temper tantrum

'Managing a Child's Temper Tantrum'
by Dr Teoh Hsien-Jin & Ms Woo Pei-Jun

Xiao Hong would point to something that he wanted. If his mother refused to give him what he wanted, he would scream at the top of his voice. If she still refused, he would continue to scream, shout and yell. Sometimes, he would accuse his mother of not loving him. Occasionally, he would even attempt to break glass and anything he could lay his hands on. All this would continue until his mother gave in to his demands. His mother, when talking to psychologists about this problem, was on the verge of tears, as Xiao Hong was now beginning to throw temper tantrums when he did not want to do his homework, or was not given what he wanted.

Children's temper tantrums begin when they do not get what they want, or they do not get to do things their way. When this occurs they whine and moan. This is followed by asking a lot of 'why can't I have it' or 'why can't I do it' type of questions. If they still do not get their own way, they proceed to shout and yell, and scream. The more verbal children may even proceed to accuse their parent of not 'loving' them, and saying that the other parent, who is usually not present, loves them more. Some children may resort to physical violence. They may attempt to hit or bite their parent in an effort to make them comply with their wishes. Finally there are those who might even threaten to break objects, such as vases and glasses, if their parents do not give in.

Social and Child Psychologists have always been curious about the origins of children's temper tantrums. Most of them conclude that these behaviours are imitated and learnt from those around them. Parents, relatives, teachers and other children are often role models. Some even learn behaviours via watching the television. Every behaviour exhibited has it's origins in someone who is within close proximity to the child.

Sometimes, a child may be more likely to have more temper tantrums or intolerant behaviours, when compared with other children. This may be due to the child's temperament or personality. Children with temperaments that are more moody, inflexible and active may be more susceptible to having non-tolerant behaviours, leading to temper outbursts. It is important that parents have a clear understanding of their child's personality. This would help them to have more realistic expectations of the child's abilities.

The following are some examples of situations that foster such behaviours and solutions to deal with them:

Situation: Most young children are unable to sit still for very long and would get frustrated and perhaps start to whine, if they are made to remain in their seat for a prolonged stretch of time.
Solution: Parents should avoid planning activities that run for a long stretch of time. Instead, plan for short breaks in between the activities (i.e. 3-5 minute breaks for each 15 minutes of work). Have realistic expectations of how long your child can concentrate and plan for it.

Situation: When parents threaten their children and do not carry out the threats, children learn that their parents do not mean what they say. This the most common cause of bad behaviour. The child screams and yells, until the parents finally give-up and give in to his wishes. This could be anything ranging from wanting a sweet, or wanting their parents to play with them, or wanting to be let out of the cot.
Solution: Parents should ignore the temper tantrum. If necessary, put the child in a room that has very few things to keep them occupied. Leave them in the room until the tantrum subsides, and then allow them out of the room. Offer the child an alternative to what they want. When the child complies with his/her parent's instruction, he/she should be praised and rewarded.

Situation: Sometimes, a child would throw temper tantrums and be a thoroughly spoilt brat at home, but not at school. The first thing that parents must take a close look at, are the rules that are being applied at home, and at school. Usually, the rules at school would be very structured and clear, whereas at home, the rules are very flexible. Perceptive children would immediately spot these differences and venture to test the limits of these rules at home.
Solution: Parents would have to be very firm about what can and cannot be done at home. The clearer the rules and the consequences of breaking them, the more quickly the child learns. The consequences for good behaviours also need to be clearly explained to the child, so that the boundaries of good and bad behaviour are understood.

Situation: Children learn a lot of their behaviours through imitation. If their parents shout a lot, and are abusive towards one another, their children would tend to imitate these actions. When children learn to cope with problems, they look to their parents as role models. If their parents are successful at getting their own way through shouting and coercive means, then children would tend to use these behaviours on their teachers, parents and peers to get their own way. If they succeed in getting their own way using these methods, they will repeat them over and over again.
Solution: Dealing with these behaviours involves getting parents to reform their behaviours towards more positive ones, and learn to encourage more appropriate behaviours in their children. Some children may never have observed positive behaviours being carried out. Thus, parents might need to teach their children to speak softly, ask clearly for what they want, and say please.

Situation: Some children throw temper tantrums out of frustration because of medical problems. Such problems may include speech and language delay. Throwing a tantrum may be the child's only way of communicating frustration. Other causes of temper tantrums may be due to Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), where impulsivity results in the child resorting to temper tantrums as a first resort to anything they do not like.
Solution: In cases like these, it is best to consult a child psychologist to get a thorough developmental evaluation to determine whether your child's behaviour is due to a speech and language delay, ADHD or non-complaint behaviour.

Temper tantrums are very common amongst children. As children learn quickly, and also develop bad habits very quickly, it is very important that these non-compliant behaviours are put under control as soon as possible. A rule of thumb to follow is to try and get these behaviours under control before the child reaches Primary School. Once the child gets to Primary School, there is less of an opportunity for parents and teachers to reform the child's non-compliant behaviours, due to the size of the classroom. Thus, tantrums are best dealt with at home, by parents, and not left to manifest. If parents are unable to manage their child's tantrums, they should seek external help - child psychologists or school counsellors are good options.