The myths and facts of discipline
contributed by Asian-Family Living
When you administer discipline effectively in your children's lives, you are helping
them learn how to control their behaviour according to their ideas of what is right
and wrong, not merely due to fear of punishment. Your child chooses to be honest
because he thinks it is wrong to cheat, not because he is afraid of getting caught.
If you choose physical punishment, it makes the child hate himself and others. It
makes him think that there's something wrong with him. If I hit my child, he might
also feel that he has paid for his misbehaviour and is free to do it again.
In other words, harsh punishment teaches my child to deceive me and gives him the
idea that violence is an acceptable way to solve problems. Punishment also ruins
a child's self-esteem and it doesn't work anymore when the child becomes a teenager.
Effective discipline, on the other hand, helps the child learn self-control and
builds his self-esteem.
There are many myths about discipline that are spread to new parents by family members,
friends and sometimes even their pediatrician. While they are generally not harmful,
they can be confusing to a new parent who is trying to learn to do the right thing
for their children.
Myth: Children who misbehave are naughty and they are asking to be punished.
Fact: Misbehaving children are 'discouraged children' who have mistaken ideas on
how to achieve their primary goal - to belong. Their mistaken ideas lead them to
misbehaviour. When my child screams and throws a tantrum, I will calmly use words
of encouragement to help him feel a sense of belonging so the motivation for misbehaving
will be reduced and the attention is focused towards good behaviour. A wonderful
way to help children feel encouraged is to spend time being with them. Many times,
I have noticed a positive change in temper and behaviour in my son after spending
five minutes simply sharing what we like to do for fun.
Myth: Discipline is bad for children.
Fact: Parents should realize that discipline is necessary for children. They are
not born with it, which is why parents will have to teach it to them little by little.
A toddler's newfound curiosity may subject him to potential safety hazards. When
my son was two, I often found myself exerting enormous control on him to keep him
safe. But as my child advances in age, he is now more able to access whether there
is danger of falling when he is playing on high playground equipment. Discipline
is helping children develop self-control. It is setting limits and correcting misbehaviour.
Discipline has taught my son how to think for himself and take charge of his behaviour.
He now knows that if he crosses a street without looking, he could get hit by a
car.
Myth: Parents should always use 'time-out' with children who misbehave.
Fact: Time out loses its effectiveness as children get older. In order to teach
my preschool child about self-discipline, we create a place called a Control Spot.
Quite similar to a time out, it helps remove my child from a difficult situation,
but this time, he gets to decide when to use it and how long it should last. When
he seems to lose control, he can choose to go to the Control Spot to take a few
minutes of rest or wait till the feeling passes. This helps him to be aware of his
emotions and gives him the chance to take charge of the situation.
Myth: Spanking is much easier and it will teach children who is boss
Fact: Yes, spanking may seem easy at that time but think again. Children who are
hit will learn the message that it is acceptable to hit others in order to solve
a problem. Besides, I am sure most parents notice that spanking doesn't keep their
children from misbehaving. Although kids need to know that parents or adults are
in charge, spanking can teach them to be terrified of the adult in charge. Positive
discipline, however, teaches children to respect the adult in charge. And remember
this, respect goes both ways - when I treat my child with respect and let him have
some control, he will learn to respect me and listen to me.
Myth: Discipline teaches children that they should not repeat their mistakes.
Fact: Positive discipline teaches children that mistakes are wonderful opportunities
to learn. Remember to let them know what they are doing right as well as the mistakes
they make. Children need to hear good things to make them feel worthy about themselves.
Then help him recognize his mistake and teach him to apologize if necessary. Say
things like: ' You behaved really well in Sam's house this morning without fighting.
But I think you have hurt little Ashley when you took her toy away without her permission.'
I always believe that parents should be good role models to their children. When
I have made a mistake, I will make an effort to apologize willingly and focus on
how to figure out a solution instead of blaming someone for his fault.
Myth: Discipline is more effective when parents are angry and annoyed.
Fact: It is hard to keep your cool especially when kids are testing your patience.
Bear in mind, however, losing your temper can also mean losing your ability to instill
positive discipline. Effective discipline is administered in a calm and respectful
manner. Learn to keep your voice low and your feelings in check. Try not to use
any physical force or make sudden threatening movements. These will only create
unhealthy fear in your child. When children are rude and rebellious, it is easy
for us to become disrespectful and sometimes sarcastic. Our best response nevertheless
is to model the same courtesy, respect and friendly tone we would like our children
to learn. A calm and respectful response strengthens our authority as parents and
adults. Children who are yelled at, insulted and ridiculed may begin to view the
parent as an enemy and harbour feelings of anger and hurt.
Myth: Discipline makes children loathe their parents.
Fact: When you discipline a child, he may get angry but that's not a reason to feel
as though you are a bad person. Maintain your calm and as long as your are being
fair, it will be alright. When my child is angry, I try to help him channel his
anger positively. We would spend some relaxing time playing or drawing or listening
to songs. When he is ready, we would talk about his feelings. Allowing children
a chance to get their feelings out shows how much you respect them while maintaining
your authority. This in the long run will teach him how to talk about feelings without
hurting or attacking people.
Remember that discipline is helping children develop self-control. It is how you
teach your children to grow to be happy, safe, well-adjusted members of society.
Raising children is a tough job, but as children learn to control their own behavior,
discipline gets easier and easier. Discipline is also encouraging children, guiding
them, helping them feel good about themselves.
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This article is contributed by Asian-Family Living, a non-profit organisation which
produces and netcasts community radio talk-shows on the Internet. For details, visit
www.asian-family.com.
The information provided above is offered as a community service on family related
issues and is not a substitute for individual consultation. Advice on individual
problems should be obtained from your personal physician, counselor or doctor.