How to help my child make friends
by Dr Teoh Hsien-Jin & Ms Woo Pei-Jun
Timothy came back crying after the second day at kindergarten.
He told his mother that he never wanted to go back again. His mother was so worried.
She asked if he had been bullied, could not cope with the lessons, did not understand
what the teacher was saying, had too many books to carry, or that he was hungry
at school. Timothy shook his head to each one of these questions. Finally, after
much prodding, he blurted out in tears "No one likes me! No one wants to play with
me!"
An important part of children's development involves socialisation. This essentially
entails making and having friends. For kindergarten children, this usually means:
• Having someone to play with
• Having someone to talk to
• Having someone to share food with
• Having friends who do not make fun of you
There are lots of potential causes for children not being able to make friends.
Amongst these problems are poor social skills, being too aggressive and selfish,
and being shy. Some of these problems originate from what they see their parents
doing, or from television, or perhaps they have never been taught these skills before.
Therefore, it would appear that many of the problems for not making friends are
learnt.
Some children do not know how to start a conversation. They stare blankly at the
child in front of them, and are at a loss for what to say. Parents could role play
and teach their children how to say "Hello, What is your name?", and perhaps "Can
I play with you?". Thus, by teaching the child the exact words, the child can imitate.
There are times when children do not know how to respond to a request. For example,
when a child asks if he can play with another child's toys, the child who is asked
this question could be taught to say "Yes, you can!" or "No you cannot", instead
of grabbing, pushing or shoving. If the child learns to be gentle, then other children
may respond similarly.
Saying nice things about other people is another strategy to make friends. Some
children do not know how to say nice things to other people. This is important as
other children would tend to react more positively when they are given compliments.
Parents can teach their children to say "I like your toy" or "I like to play with
you." When parents model saying nice things to their children and other people,
their children will feel good and tend to imitate their parents.
When toys are to be shared, we sometimes notice that some children do not know how
to share. Usually, this occurs because, they have either been given too much of
what they want, or occasionally, they may never have had the opportunity to share,
being the only child in the family. Thus, it is important for parents to teach their
children to share, and more importantly praise thm when they share their toys. In
addition, children could be taught to say "If you lend me your toys I will let you
play with my toys for a while." Learning to share is an important skill for social
interaction.
When you do not look sincere and act in a sincere manner, you are less likely to
get a positive response. There are children who do not smile or look at a person
in the eye when saying something nice. Thus they need to be taught these skills.
Some children may feel shy about looking at the other person in the eye. In this
situation, they could be taught to look at the tip of the nose of the other person.
This makes it look like the child is looking in the other person's direction. This
would initially need to be practiced at home with someone that the child is familiar
with. Being and looking sincere is an important step towards making friends.
Some children make friends quickly, but lose them quickly because they are too aggressive
and selfish. These children usually want to have things done their way, which puts
other children off. They may also be very impulsive, and push and grab things from
other children. These children need to be taught to stop, think and ask for what
they want in a more polite way (i.e., "please, thank you, sorry").
In addition, some children may also be saying nasty things to other children. They
say these nasty things because they are not able to get their own way, or that they
are angry at that point in time. Often threats are used, or degrading names are
called. Children need to be shown how other children feel when nasty things are
said about them, and they need to be taught that there are more non-aggressive methods
to get what they want. In addition, it also helps if they are able to recognise
facial expressions in other children (i.e., happy, sad, angry).
In the event that they cannot get what they want, they must always ask their teacher
or parent for assistance. In short, they must not take the law into their own hands.
By being less impulsive and more gentle, other children are more likely to feel
comfortable around the child.
Not all children who have difficulties making friends are lacking in social skills.
There are some children who may have speech and language delay, making it difficult
to express themselves, and be understood, or understand what others are saying.
When these children are frustrated, they may bite, grab or hit their heads against
the wall. In this instance, the assistance of a child health professional would
be required.
Children learn socialization through interaction. Hence, it helps to have small
play groups before school starts, to help familiarize children to be in the company
of other children. Play groups initially would have to be structured play which
is guided by the teacher. This would mean that the teacher determines what is to
be played, and children learn a similar set of game, social rules and limits of
play.
Making friends is an essential part of child social development. It requires the
assistance of parents and teachers who must act as models for the child. When teaching
children social skills, it helps to be direct, and to use simple words which are
appropriate to the child's level of understanding. A well-balanced education includes
not just academic work, but also the ability to get along with other people. Go
out and encourage your child to have friends!