Learning to cope with teasing and bullying
by Dr Teoh Hsien-Jin & Ms Woo Pei-Jun
Johnny is a 5-year old boy who is cheerful and active.
His mother describes him as a child full of energy! Recently, his school teacher
has been complaining that Johnny is not paying attention in class and is always
fidgety. At times, he would have outburst of emotions and at other times, he would
be withdrawn and not play with anyone else. Lately, Johnny has been refusing to
go to school. Johnny's mom was beginning to feel worried and brought him to see
a psychologist. She thought that Johnny might have Attention Deficit Hyperactive
Disorder. During the session, Johnny broke down and tearfully told the psychologist
that he was being bullied and teased in class. "No one likes me! It must be the
way I look!" he sniffed...
Bullying occurs in all schools. Children are called names, segregated and are pushed
around. Unfortunately, most of the victims do not tell their parents or teachers,
and they suffer in silence.
Bullying is a repetitive attack causing emotional and physical distress. The bully
usually makes threats of future attacks. It includes verbal bullying such as name-calling,
put-downs, and threatening statements. Physical bullying includes hitting, tripping,
poking, kicking, and throwing objects. Finally, social bullying involves ignoring,
giving dirty looks, spreading rumours or damaging possessions.
Boys are not the only ones who are bullied, it also happens to girls. Boys tend
to use more physical form of bullying which are more noticeable. Whereas girls tend
to use verbal and social bullying which can be more upsetting for the victim. Sustained
bullying can leave children feeling depressed, withdrawn and lacking in self-confidence.
Children bully for many reasons. Some bullies tease for the fun of it. They find
it entertaining to watch the victim's reaction of crying, fear, or shouting. The
more the victim reacts, the more the bullies will tease.
Revenge and power is also another reason for bullying. Some children bully because
they feel angry at another child. Some of them bully to prove to themselves that
they are stronger and hence more powerful. They think that bullying tells others
that they are the boss!
Some bullies like the attention of others and bully to impress their classmates.
These children usually also have poor social skills. Bullying then becomes one way
to compensate for lack of friends and sometimes a way for them to try to be accepted
by other children.
Then there are bullies who tease because they think it is acceptable and funny.
These children have somehow learnt that teasing is a smart thing to do. This may
have been through imitating others, watching violent television programmes, and
being subjected to hostile family communication styles.
When you find that your child is a victim of bullying and teasing, there are a few
things that you can do to help your child :
Ignore and walk away. When your child
is teased, ask your child to walk away from the bully and pretend not to hear what
the bully has said. If your child shows distress, it gives the bully the emotional
pay off. Walking away implies disapproval and removes your child from further victimisation.
Usually, when the bully does not get a reaction, they will eventually lose interest
and move to another target.
Tell an adult. Sometimes ignoring
does not work, and your child would need to tell an adult. In school, let your child
know which teacher they can report to. You can then address the issue with his class
teacher and then the school principal if the situation deteriorates.
Speak up. In addition to that, it
is also helpful to teach your child to speak up for himself in a non-aggressive
manner. Sometimes, children feel the need to do something to justify the act of
bullying and some of these children will react by hitting or biting the bully. However,
we know that aggressiveness would only get your child into more trouble. Rather
than reacting aggressively, teach your child what to say. Have your child look at
the bully in the eye and say with a firm voice "I don't like it when you call me
names. I want you to stop. If not I will not play with you/ I will tell the teacher."
If the bully does not stop, ask your child to go straight to any teacher for help.
Build your child's self-confidence.
Sometimes, children who get bullied or teased blame themselves for the situation.
Let your child know that it is okay and it is not their fault. The bully is in the
wrong and not them.
Encourage your child to make new friends.
Besides making friends in school, going for swimming or playing at the playground
can also give your child a chance to make new friends. Encourage your child to make
friends with children who are more understanding and would not call names. This
allows your child to see that they are liked by other children as well. In addition,
it also helps to build up your child�s social skills and confidence.
Every child needs to be able to grow up in an environment that they feel safe. Bullying
needs to be tackled as early as possible. Ignoring the problem for too long may
cause the children to suffer psychologically and physically.
A child once said:
"All I wanted was for them to accept me! I just wanted them to talk to me nicely.
Mommy, please help me..."
Is your child being bullied in school?"